Lexie writes to men again

Following recent posts (here and here) and consequent comments, Lexie has provided these further remarks. I think many men will find them useful.

“I think it’s important to recognise that just because something is vitally important doesn’t mean it’s a deal-breaker.  In fact, in the old days, it was the men who valued a man’s ability to provide for himself and his family even more than the women.  A girl would fall in love and lose all judgement, but her father would be the one who’d veto the match until her beau could prove his ability to take care of her and their anticipated offspring.  But there aren’t many women who’ll leave their husband because he loses his job.  When unemployment is a (cited) reason for a wife deserting, it’s almost always due to chronic unemployment and the perceived fault of the husband in not trying hard enough and/or the stress created by the financial strain.  It’s only a deal-breaker prior to a major commitment.  But, then, many things are deal-breakers when just dating, and they’re so unpredictable that it’s just not worth worrying about – you should be yourself and accept that you’re not right for each other if it doesn’t work.  The only time I’ve seen women leave on the basis on money is when the husband is gambling or spending excessively and cannot be stopped from ruining the family further without legal action.
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So, what are deal-breakers in a long-term relationship or marriage?  Personally, there aren’t any as I don’t believe in divorce.  Separation would require danger to myself and/or my children.  In my experience, other women won’t jump ship unless there’s a better prospect on the horizon, and (I hate to say this) I get the impression that there’s nothing men can do to stop women leaving them.  Women don’t leave because their husband didn’t do x, y, and z.  They leave because they *feel* dissatisfied and believe the grass is greener elsewhere.  Women aren’t particularly rational in this regard (unless they’ve actually set you up to fleece you), and while there may be a perceived ‘last straw’ the real deal-breaker is her feelings.  There’s no test to pass or checklist that needs fulfilling – it’s about who you (and she) are, not what you do.
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…which brings us to the emotional ‘tightrope’ that Anon mentioned.  I want to stress that the details of what you’re good at and not so good at don’t matter to most women.  I know guys who are not much to look at and pretty geeky who have great relationships because they have chosen one thing to practice and excel at.  Be it swing dancing or yoga or first aid or historical reenactment or cricket, anything will impress a girl if you put in lots of effort, are competent – you don’t have to be the best – and you have passion (without being obsessive).  The guys who walk tightropes suffer from feminism, plain and simple.  Guys who keep their women despite shortcomings do so because they are manly.  (Don’t confuse manly with macho.)  The guy who’s scared of telling his wife he’s lost his job needs to man up.  The reason she might leave him isn’t that he’s lost his job, it’s that he’s scared of telling her and the challenging path ahead that he must take to get a new one.  Now, manliness is a gigantic field of its own, so I won’t say any more except refer you to this great website: http://www.artofmanliness.com and add that if a woman is making you walk a tightrope you need to either start earning her respect by being a man or (if it’s not a marriage or other relationship in which you have too much at stake) cut your losses and get out.”

 

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  1. […] “Lexie writes to men again.” […]

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